I need coffee, then I'll think about revising…again

“Are you changing the subject?” I asked exasperated.

“Am I?”

“Do you always answer a question with a question?”

“Why?”

I laughed not knowing what else to do, and realized how much I didn’t know about this man, and wondered why it didn’t worry me. (A Single Pearl, Chapter Three).

Scene : Lee and Kerri Ann go eye-shopping in Hawaii. At coffee she shares tid-bits about island history that cover California Longhorns to Captain George Vancouver, and in-between they rush through blaming white people for taking over the islands, differ on the death penalty, and we discover Lee’s distaste for women using bad language. After a stroll they slip into an ‘interesting shop’ (to quote the manuscript prior to edits).

Late one afternoon we stumbled onto a narrow street with small shops pulsing with international undercurrents and sweltering activity. We walked into every one. The last one was a pearl shop. I knew better than to go into a jewelry store with a date. That was a sure fire way to send a man packing. I kept moving, Lee stopped, and I teetered bound by his hand.

“Missed one,” he said, and he coaxed me inside.

Ions: plus sign ‘+’ to denote good, minus ‘-’ not, and a ‘?’ for obvious.

Lisa: I like that Kerri Ann read out of a book to him, ‘tropical temperature…’ like that she wanted public transport, like the jewelry store.

Melanie: good about Montana milk-toast culture. +Bus great, good description of jewelry, stepping on foot.

Pam: good banter between the two characters, cleaver humor, ‘interesting shops’ how?

EDITS: This whole section got a complete overhaul before bringing to the group: roughed out, flushed out, enhanced, expanded then honed down, repeat the cycle. I uncovered Kerri Ann’s love for ‘tid-bits,’ little pieces of information about places and things, and her fascination of powerful women. It introduces Vancouver, Washington, which will appear later in the book.

Eating Korean food, what was I thinking?

Scene:Lee stops by Kerri Ann's room and makes a date for dinner. Chloe attempts to interfere, Lee coaxes Kerri Ann to talk about herself.

My curiosity about the evening got the better of me, and I asked lame question number three, a slight quaver in my voice, “Where are we going?"

“We have big plans,” he said and tightened his grip as if he thought I might run away. “There are three things on our agenda. First, I want to do something dangerous and memorable with you... (A Single Pearl, Chapter Three).

Icons: plus sign ‘+’ to denote good, minus ‘-’ not, and a ‘?’ for obvious.

Lisa: +sofa description, like the helicopter excuse, but that he came by. ? ‘creating an internal experience,’ what does that feel like? +Endless..” +Hope they never crossed my palate, +instincts…my mom.

Melanie: +take sunglasses off, practically licked lips in anticipation, crapped out (DWFM) at door, mad money(!). Wouldn’t he say wears Chloe? +Auto breezes. -Smell of Korean food? Wondering what the food is--tell us. +Loved him coming over in the morning.

Pam: Your female character is charming. Lee is a rascal! He seems “slick” is he? Dialogue is convincing. ?Not one Korean server in sight? Chopsticks?

Peggy: Oh, I wish I hadn’t missed where they were!? (Hawaii?). +great descriptions (restaurant), + ‘Fight like made dogs,’ great additions to the characters (What I heard anyway). Sorry I missed so much! :-(

EDITS: Mel offered a great suggestion, enhancing this section with a reference to a dog. There he stood, right on time. He looked like a guy ready for his first date with a nice girl, but not ready for the girl’s family. “Is the dog tied up?” he asked looking around for Chloe.

LIFE EXPERIENCE: To improve the restaurant scene, we went out (in real-life) to a Korean restaurant and ran our tongues over very strange and alarming tastes, but it added to the developing food description. In the book, I sent a Korean server to their table, and Lee tried to help Kerri Ann operate chopsticks; she never gets better at it, not even in Part II. In fact, if she’s not careful she may put someone’s eye out.

Lee ordered for us without looking at a menu, sounded like a lot of goop to me and they all arrived at the same time. Floating slivers of green onion in a clear broth that left a faint fishy aftertaste, a variety of little dishes: eggplant, a chard-like pickled vegetable that he called radish, something that appeared to have been string beans before shredding, slimy mushrooms, spicy potatoes. Everything cooked but served cold, and those were just the appetizers. The main dish was a bowl of yuk—cooked sprouts, fried egg, more mushrooms, zucchini, blackened seaweed—and buried at the bottom rice. That I could swallow.

Lisa: your change in references to the food ‘interesting,’ good food description. Like hearing about his father, want to hear more about his family in first chapter. + ‘A friend from home’ (moon); liked that she declined to answer questions about previous relationships. ? ‘and this time do it with meaning’? Didn’t you use that before re a kiss? Porch light?

Melanie: +alcohol sip vs. gulp, good info on rentals and interesting presentation, trapped?? (kiss). +‘How arrogant was I?’ Great, ha ha ha. +Good at his door.

Pam: I like the way you weave in her past with the current conversation. Why trapped? And why was she fighting it? + ‘logical progression;’ great ending.

EDITS: Kerri Ann felt ‘trapped’ in the restaurant right before Lee leaned in for a kiss, softened that up in the rewrite, and of course, the evening ended with a kiss…

I walked him to his hotel door, fulfilling my secret desire to know which room he slept in, and wondered what it would feel like to be so sophisticated you’d follow a boy home and walk right in. Considered if I could do it.

“Coming in?” he asked.

“I…I…,” I stuttered, stumbled onto solid ground and said, “Not with your friends around.” I might be curious, but I wasn’t courageous.

His words ended the evening on a light note. “Ja-ky, I wish I could slip inside my room and disappear as smoothly and efficiently as you, but I’m a regular guy, not a magician.”

When I laughed he wrapped me in a playful embrace.
“Do that again,” I invited.

Don't all great dates start in a bar?

Scene: The bar, introduces Lee’s friends and their intriguing quirks and Lee's fascination with Kerri Ann.

He reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something small out, and said to me, low voice humming, “I have something for you.” He opened his palm and rolled a tube over revealing a travel size first aid cream. “Your arm,” he requested.

Fear flashed through me. It was pretty dark in that bar, and the music blared, but we were still in public and my tiny, sunburned arms were way too skinny to be the center of anyone’s attention, let alone this beautiful man’s. I hesitated.
“Give him your arm!” John shouted.
“Prescription from the vacation doctor,” Sandy approved.
“Permission to have fun,” Todd nodded.
Chloe scowled. (A Single Pearl, Chapter Two).

Icons: plus sign ‘+’ to denote good, minus ‘-’ not, and a ‘?’ for obvious.

Lisa: + Todd/eyeglasses; like Lee and Kerri Ann’s moment alone at table, Why did friends come back to the table? Took a little long. + Tongue across lips. Like the dance floor experience, her exit from the bar. “Self-preservation“ has me wondering. ‘What are you thinking?’ ‘Sorry, 7th grade Billy…’ Transition from going to sleep to friends in room rough.

Melanie: +Todd; +she smiled into glass, +when Lee said, ‘Relax.’ -Walk you home--wouldn‘t she be a little nervous about him walking her home? ++Seventh grade Billy. More inner thought during prejudice scene.

Pam: I like hearing her thoughts about Lee -- he is soooo dreamy…I think. Your writing is very distinct and has clear voice. I have question about green and dust, pine and needles. ‘Blessed,’ maybe take one out (?) ‘cooling cream’ might be enough. Chloe: is there any indication she is prejudiced prior to this?

EDITS: a little more tipsy tumble when Kerri Ann’s friends return to the room from the bar, wove in a hint in prior part of chapter about Chloe’s taste in men, ‘blonder the better,’ helped ready the reader for her reaction to a friend dating an Asian, deleted a mini-scene in the bar-friends running back and forth from the dance floor, per Lisa’s suggestion, tightened the scene up better.

PRIOR EDITS: Earlier, I took out they found their Hawaii hotel on the internet, an obvious ploy to ground the reader in the present, but it didn’t add anything of merit. Also, at one point Kerri Ann listened to country western music on an ipod; that also hit the recycling bin, along with a song she warbled in Part II, ‘Oh, Lee-lee, you owe me a Car-car.” Gads, you have no idea how much this has improved, lucky for you. Me? I’ve had all the hard work after the hard knocks.

Start at the beginning, one, two, three

Meet the players in Chapter one: Sandy and Chloe, seniors at the University of Washington, plan a spring break trip to Hawaii and convince Kerri Ann, their sophomore friend, to tag along:

I’d thought about the trip for quite awhile before committing. They’d been afraid I wouldn’t have enough money to come. I did. I saved earnestly, always had, and prided myself on squeezing every drop of value out of money, that way you didn’t need too much of it. Currently, my stash nested inside books on the board and cement block shelf in my U-Dub dorm room. (A Single Pearl, Chapter One)

Scene: Kerri Ann and Lee meet in Hawaii for the first time by the hotel's pool.

Icons: plus sign ‘+’ to denote good, minus ‘-’ not, and a ‘?’ for obvious.

Ginger: +pool explanation, +goose white skin, +hairy chests, -sunglasses, how could she see his eyes if he wore sunglasses? +like the first meeting, +off with her ends, +hair description…nice dude, +great dialogue.

Jade: +good describing the smells, ‘slowly re-threaded,’ +nice slowly describing the man, ++good description on the eyes.

Kelly: +description of pool scene, cab scene, good inner thought.

Lisa: +good description of poolside and ocean, ‘Pleasure or wickedness’ Wickedness doesn’t feel like right word, +‘North or South,’ +good description of his eyes, +‘off with their ends,’ -would like more fore-shadowing of depression if possible, +like her discomfort of joining Chloe’s family.

Melanie: +deep end position thoughts, goose white skin, loved ‘open and unending,’ used word ‘tracked’ twice when looking at the man holding sunscreen, + ‘North or south, haha, +great twist that the owner of sunscreen not girlfriend. Depression? Maybe sooner?

Pam: +nice opening for Chapter, setting the scene by the pool, et al. +Your details are good, brings image to reader, +skilled writing, interesting story. +Good banter between the two characters. ? ‘over and over on into infinity’ take out ‘on.’ +’off with their ends,’ good allusion to Alice…

Peggy: +great details especially at beginning, +’lungs’ etc, grounded character, ‘flesh stuck to seats’ and smell of sweat… ?Sweat stung her eye…’ can you add emotion/feelings of her surroundings more before going to the reception area? +‘Falling into his eyes…’ etc. +great job capturing her emotion and feelings, “series of mirrors,’ great metaphor/similes throughout. Great description of Chloe ß fun uses of language.

Sallee: + ‘admiration from the hairy-chested…cabby’s body odor…drop of perspiration…the pool awaits…goose-white skin. Great description of envy/jealousy, more great descriptions and imagery! -I’m not sure where this is headed, or what they want. Is this a romance novel? Emphasis on plot. More about her depression, last chance to see friends? Goal to get away from doldrums?

EDITS: Okay, enough positive feedback to lock into the good stuff and throw out the other. One thousand rewrites cracked the scene down to half to one-quarter of original. I knew why all the characters were where they were, hadn’t quite captured it fully on paper, needed to lead reader more into Kerri Ann’s state of mind, she’s depressed, end of an unsuccessful infatuation, primed for the next love struck moment of her life, and this guy has no idea the tiger he will grab by the tail when he falls for her and he discovers what she’s like when she’s not depressed, and the goose white flesh hit the cutting room floor, Lisa wasn’t sure they would brag that way about themselves.

I chose that spot, near the deep end,
even though it didn’t have enough shade. Strategic, away from the pool steps, away from the parade of flirts who roamed in and out of the water and the echoes of admiration of the hairy-chested who ran after them. I needed peace. (A Single Pearl, Chapter One).