Yeah, um, that’s not how a guy talks

Scene: The pearl is introduced, it appears as a gift from Lee to Kerri Ann,a little first aid for the soul. She is surprised by her reaction to it, she accepts it, and also accepts the budding relationship with Lee.

He looked over and stared at me thoughtfully. He set the paper flat, flicked his thumb through the pages and smiled. “I was coming for a swim, looking for an open chair to throw my towel, first one I noticed was next to you...
(A Single Pearl, Chapter 5).

Lisa: +Sweet gift reason; +like the necklace application and the goodnight at the door; +Sandy was used to cleaning up after us; -Phrase: what does that matter - doesn’t work; + I like what is being revealed in Lee; +like the food, rice papaya. -Lee’s language a little too flowery when he describes first encounter with Kerrie Ann.

Melanie: +runs finger under silver necklace; +gift feels bad after Chloe; +enunciated each word; Buddha, Mary etc. ? +Ask for what you want; -just a little too flowery for Lee’s description

Pam: Very good/telling scene with Chloe, et al. How could she pack that fast? I want to see why Lee likes Kerri Ann. Oh, good! Now I know why Lee is attracted to her!

Peggy: +Wonderful end to Chapter 5. Would like to hear/see more with the kiss (just after he gave her the pearl necklace). +Like the connection with the necklace! The Single Pearl J Wonderful! +Great that Lee defends her with Chloe. +Wonderful dialogue with Chloe and their friends. +Good details with Lee, “hands entwined,” etc. Would a guy be that thorough with the details? Or is that his personality? Chloe called it quits”?

EDITS: Okay, every one was of the same mind, Lee was just a little too girly when he described the first time he encountered Kerri Ann. Edit, edit, edit. Here’s what I was trying to accomplish: when writing in first person it’s hard to develop a concept of what the character looks like, someone has to describe them, best person on this list had to be Lee, and I wrote Kerri Ann they way I saw her, BUT NOT HOW A GUY WOULD. Erase, fix. I also took out a reference to Budha. Erase.

I need coffee, then I'll think about revising…again

“Are you changing the subject?” I asked exasperated.

“Am I?”

“Do you always answer a question with a question?”

“Why?”

I laughed not knowing what else to do, and realized how much I didn’t know about this man, and wondered why it didn’t worry me. (A Single Pearl, Chapter Three).

Scene : Lee and Kerri Ann go eye-shopping in Hawaii. At coffee she shares tid-bits about island history that cover California Longhorns to Captain George Vancouver, and in-between they rush through blaming white people for taking over the islands, differ on the death penalty, and we discover Lee’s distaste for women using bad language. After a stroll they slip into an ‘interesting shop’ (to quote the manuscript prior to edits).

Late one afternoon we stumbled onto a narrow street with small shops pulsing with international undercurrents and sweltering activity. We walked into every one. The last one was a pearl shop. I knew better than to go into a jewelry store with a date. That was a sure fire way to send a man packing. I kept moving, Lee stopped, and I teetered bound by his hand.

“Missed one,” he said, and he coaxed me inside.

Ions: plus sign ‘+’ to denote good, minus ‘-’ not, and a ‘?’ for obvious.

Lisa: I like that Kerri Ann read out of a book to him, ‘tropical temperature…’ like that she wanted public transport, like the jewelry store.

Melanie: good about Montana milk-toast culture. +Bus great, good description of jewelry, stepping on foot.

Pam: good banter between the two characters, cleaver humor, ‘interesting shops’ how?

EDITS: This whole section got a complete overhaul before bringing to the group: roughed out, flushed out, enhanced, expanded then honed down, repeat the cycle. I uncovered Kerri Ann’s love for ‘tid-bits,’ little pieces of information about places and things, and her fascination of powerful women. It introduces Vancouver, Washington, which will appear later in the book.